Everyone knows I like cheese. I also like cake, but twelve pounds of blue fondant will make your chamber pot look like an algae bloom. Green pee is almost as terrifying as a Smokehouse Bacon Triple Cheese Big Mouth Burger with Jalapeno Ranch. And what even is ranch? I’m so confused.
Food should be simple. And beautiful. Like this amazing cheesecake. And lucky for you, because there is no baking involved, so I just gave you an extra forty-five minutes to fold clothes or figure out how to skin and eat a mango (totally difficult).
First, you’ll need 150g of chocolate biscuits, and you do the work. We Europeans know how much that is. Get used to the metric system because it’s hurling itself at you like a ton of bricks. Also, you should get used to saying biscuit, because that’s a fancy name for cookie, and you’ll see them in your grocery store next September.
Gather 1/4 c of cashews. Set aside 1 T of icing sugar (I think Americans call it “confectioner’s sugar” which is so innocent and adorable and hilarious). Go ahead and melt 1 1/2 c of butter. Set it out in the sun if you don’t have a microwave. It’s good to be creative.
Grease a 9″ cake tin and have your kids hammer the cookies and nuts into crumbs while you refresh yourself on the Hundred Years’ War or read up on Napoleon. Toss the mixture into a bowl with the sugar and butter. Muscle it into a dough and press it into the bottom of the cake tin, then chuck it into the fridge. Don’t clean your nails yet, because we’re about to get into the gelatine. It will be over soon.
Combine 3 c cream cheese, 1/3 c sifted icing sugar, and 2 1/2 T freshly squeezed lemon juice from your groves. Add 5 T condensed milk, 1/2 T chocolate paste, 7 pieces of gelatine leaf and 2 1/2 c whipped cream while your husband draws you a bath.
Soak the gelatine in ice water until soft, then squeeze them dry and transfer to a double boiler. Whip the cream into stiff peaks. Beat the sugar, cream cheese, and condensed milk until it’s thick and smooth like Pepito’s amazing hair. Toss in the dissolved gelatine, add the lemon juice and whipped cream. Mix and maybe put on some lipstick.
Divide the cream cheese into two portions, and mix the chocolate paste into one portion. Add a scoop of cream cheese to the tin, followed by chocolate cream cheese. Repeat alternately (you know what that means, right?)
Now is the fun part. Take a knife and swirl it around to create patterns. Go ahead and be flirty with it, because this thing should look homemade. After all, you worked hard and your friends should know it. Throw the whole thing back in the fridge for at least four hours and when you’re ready to enjoy, remove it from your cake tin, toss on some greenery (boxwood, rosemary, you get the idea) and you’re finished!
Enjoy the fruits of your labor, loves. Off to take a nap.