Fortunately, I live in France because I can lounge next week and don’t have to suffer through Thanksgiving. Wait, you don’t know about that? Thanksgiving is an American “holiday”. Holiday, my ass. You get up, cry, make ten vats of food to feed an army of greedy behemoths that will launch themselves into your artfully arranged courtyard, get drunk, eat EVERYTHING, complain that their stomachs hurt, ruin your bathroom and then stumble home because they need a nap. What just happened?

I bet Native Americans were fond of restraint. Modern day Americans aren’t, and I just found out that you can buy turduken at a gun store. Fantastic. Really, the only way to lift your spirits during this spectacle of awful is to make a cute tablescape. I’m good at those and you can be too.

There’s gonna be a lot of food, so keep things simple. You could scatter a bunch of pumpkins and maybe some shafts of wheat, which would feel very “of the native land”. Or fill glass bowls with cranberries and votives. Maybe sprinkle some wild rice and leaves on the table. Or you could go full Bacchanal and make a cornucopia, but that’s a ton of work and you’ll probably be exhausted after making slider stuffing and onion ring casserole at 4:00 a.m.

Try to survive. See you on the other side.

  1. Cassandra said...

    Stuffing animals inside of other animals is as American as guns and apple pie.

    November 20, 2014 at 4:30 pm
  2. Charlotte Brackett said...

    Intrigued by slider stuffing. White Castle, perhaps? Onion ring casserole I would eat.

    November 20, 2014 at 5:00 pm
  3. Renée Bourque said...

    American Thanksgiving has always baffled me. You eradicate a native people and celebrate with… ambrosia salad?

    November 20, 2014 at 5:20 pm
  4. Jalapalomino said...

    So much to DIGEST here… I am all for stuffing a pie inside a cake and vice versa however. Gun stores happen 🙁 I am intrigued by castle balls: are they the same thing as Chateau Balls? I do like Thanksgiving because there is no gift giving and online Black hubbub. Chris’ family sounds like absolute heathens lol

    November 21, 2014 at 1:04 pm