Wait, you don’t want kids? Well too bad, because that’s what happens after five hurricanes and a Styx concert with some asshole named BJORN.  And hurricanes are disgusting. Show some restraint.

Kids are a major situation because they come with bad stuff like stains and debt. They also copy everything you do, so you better stop drinking, smoking and swearing. The good news is they are gullible workhorses. It’s not morally questionable child labor, it’s “learning responsibility”. The key is to pretend some awful activity like wainscoting is actually fun, but never give praise because they can smell that shit from a mile away and will drop the floor polish faster than you can say “with the grain, sweetie”.

I’ve been able to get my kids to do decades of stuff that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. This morning I convinced Manon that polishing two hundred years of silver was a wonderful way to spend roughly six hours. She had a blast. Now the silver is shining, the guests are arriving, and we are DINING.

Bisous, xx.