Flower arranging stresses people out, and I totally understand. There’s always someone with less filler and more talent, plus it can be intimidating to integrate gerber daisies into ANYTHING. Honestly, don’t even bother because those little assholes droop after three and a half minutes and you’ll be in tears wondering why you fell for their “I’m playful and vivacious” ploy. Yeah. That cheerleader in high school was perky too, and now she works at 7-Eleven and does jello shots on the weekends.

If you didn’t ace flower arranging class like me, I have a simple trick that will make you look like a botanical MASTER. Go to the grocery store and grab a couple of mixed arrangements that have way too much baby’s breath. Choose something with analogous colors, like blue and purple, red and orange, you get the picture. Rip them apart and strip off the leaves. Gather a bunch of glass containers and place one or two flowers into each one. Line them up, varying the heights. Blur your eyes and arrange them so that the colors blend nicely (this really works, guys).

Here is what I created for a little soirée I’m throwing tonight out in the sunken garden. I placed votives behind each one because candlelight makes makes Steve Buscemi look like Audrey Hepburn, and your guests will thank you.

What do you think, mes fleurs? Off to pour a drink and admire my work. – M.