I have an utter lack of interest in posting pictures of my lady bits on Snapchat, and I WILL frown at you, young girls, if you continue to share everything. You were better off when all you had to contemplate was the milk boy feeling you up in 1845. I speak the truth.

Let’s talk about the 1800s. Bulb forcing was all the rage back then, and I’m obsessed. Especially in February, when I’ve rearranged the furniture so many times that Manon and Gilles don’t know where their rooms are, and my GOD, get me out of this château and into my garden.

Bulb forcing is easy, as long as you have a little patience. You chill them for about twelve weeks, which doesn’t sound nearly as long as three months, which is an eternity. Did you see what I did there? Chin up, loves. You’re talking to someone that walked in a straight line for 4,579 days of my life. You can DO IT.

Store them in newspaper shavings in a dark, cool place. If you’re lazy and don’t have room in your fridge because the beer drawer is full, buy pre-chilled bulbs. I prefer the smug satisfaction that comes with tricking Mother Nature, so I always cool them myself.

Once you a suffer through the eternal chill period, get ready for some FUN. Find a planter and fill it to about 1/4 inch from the top with pebbles. You can use marbles or crystal beads if you’re crafty and have that stuff lying around. Drop in your chilled bulbs. Crowd them closely, but don’t let them touch because kissing bulbs will rot.

For this arrangement I chose hyacinth and narcissus. They bloom at the same time and complement each other beautifully. Paperwhites are also easy, and cheap, if you don’t have the dough for more expensive bulbs, but some people despise their scent (cloying with a touch of cat urine) so consider yourself WARNED.

Water up to the base of the bulbs and put it in a bright, cool spot. In two to four weeks, you will have a lovely indoor garden to sustain you through these idle months. You’re welcome!