Pumpkins.

Are you so excited about pumpkins? Because if you’re not, you should feel terrible. You are NO FUN. Stop worrying that they’re already trying to sell you Christmas decorations. You have plenty of time to worry about that. Light a pumpkin candle, eat a pumpkin croissant, drink a Pumpkin Pie Chillata and then drop dead.

I love pumpkin season, but I’m not a huge fan of carving them because there’s pulp and seeds and they rot after three days, which is depressing. However, if you enjoy the twelve hour euphoria that comes with carving a Jack-o’-Lantern, by all means, go for it. But be original. THIS is not original. Obviously it came from a kit and took you forever. What a waste of time. All of your neighbors know you didn’t put any creative energy into that thing, and they probably won’t invite you to their Christmas party because you have zero fun stories and refuse to dance. Stop it.

Here is my fourteenth Fall centerpiece at the château this year. Don’t be fooled. It took FOREVER because I don’t understand center of mass, plus physics is totally boring. It might take you less time because you are good at that stuff. But that probably means you are terrible at decorating, which is why you need me. First off, forget those orange monsters and stick to Cinderella pumpkins. They’re dainty, come in gorgeous colors like sage and cream, and stack beautifully. You could scatter a bunch on your mantle along with some bittersweet and dried gourds. Or place a few in an enclosed glass cabinet, alongside a collection of antique books and brass candlesticks. Or do what I did, and tower them up on a silver platter. I’ve used Blue Jarrahdale and Baby Boo, but there are lots of others with equally fun names like Lil’ Pumpkemon. They’re all beautiful. The key is to be patient, because it’s gonna fall over a lot before you finally get the balance thing right. Then, don’t ever touch it again. Make sure your children don’t go near it. Maybe put a velvet rope around the table or install a small electric fence. You can never be too careful.

Enjoy your creation, and happy Fall, loves.

xxx, Madeline